Whatever notions I had before becoming a mom have been quickly diminished by every gross and disgusting thing I’ve encountered.
1. Picking crusty boogers out of my kids’ noses. Huge green ones. I swear, toddlers get the BIGGEST boogers of the human race. And how is that even possible? It defies biology or biochemistry or whatever part of science it has to do with!
2. Intercept vomit so that it doesn’t get on the carpet; don’t worry at least it washes out well and you should receive a gold medal for that catch. When all else fails and your kid looks like he’s going to toss his cookies throw yourself in front of him as if you are a shield for all furniture, carpets and hardwood floors. Must.save.possessions.
3. Clean off my child’s pointer finger because he thought it would be cool to give himself a colonoscopy and then showed me the remnants. That one takes the cake…oh sorry…I shouldn’t mention cake or any other food whilst writing about colonoscopies.
4. Pull poop out of my daughter’s mouth because I was trying to let her bum air dry and well…. You should have seen her face with that one! “Yeah honey, that’s definitely not a Tootsie Roll!”
5. Pee, it’s just the hot new motherhood scent, right? I don’t see Britney or JLo rushing out to bottle up this lovely aroma. Yeah there was that time I was chatting with a neighbor and my daughter was wearing a cloth swim diaper. Thinking nothing about it (swim diapers are meant to only hold the poo in), I had her resting on my hips. Suddenly a warm gush started leaching onto my shirt. Well, you get the rest of the story.
6. Pulled a piece of a Nerf football out of a nose. If it can fit in there why not shove it up into your nasal cavity, right?
The odd thing about these completely horrific and disgusting acts is that as long as it’s my own kid I can handle all of it. I can’t even wipe another child’s snotty, gooey nose without gagging. My own child? No problem! Heck, I’ll stick my pinkie up there to dislodge any hard blockage! The smell from another child’s fart or poopy diaper is enough to also make me gag. My child’s poop smothered butt? Eh, I don’t even smell it. It’s how we’re wired I guess. I mean mother birds clearly are not grossed out by regurgitating into their babies’ mouths, how are we any different. Even with all of the vomit, boogers, poop and pee one look in my children’s big innocent eyes and I am filled with this feeling of bliss. So this is what unconditional, albeit sometimes disgusting love really is…