They say when you have a baby to enjoy it because time flies by so fast. I understood this when Brennan was a newborn but there was a part of me that was so ready for him to grow up. First, I just wanted to reach 12 weeks with him. My mom told me that when I was a baby she remembers everything getting better at around 12 weeks. Then Brennan reached 12 weeks and things were better. After we passed that then I wanted him to get to six months. I just kept thinking it had to get better if only he were older.
Looking back on that I realize how much my mind was affected by my PPD (postpartum depression). I was just wishing his infancy away. Now I feel like I was robbed of enjoying that part of his life. It’s a sad thing when you’re holding your baby in your arms and the tears are just rolling down your face. Not because you are so filled with joy that you could burst but because you have this deep sadness that you just can’t seem to shake. The worse thing about that was that I couldn’t even explain at the time why I was so sad. Sure I had good days where I felt the complete and utter joy of being a mother but more often than not I felt distant from Brennan.
Obviously, I’d know that I was going to have PPD so I’d already be on medication but aside from that, I’d enjoy how dependent he was on me. The older he gets the less he needs me for his basic needs – sleeping, comforting, eating. It’s just going to continue to go on and on and on as life always does. No matter what your circumstance is you will move beyond it; it will soon become the past. Treasure the present, leave the future up to the Lord and remember the past.
If you want a good book in the Bible to read I suggest Ecclesiastes. It has this “carpe diem” attitude to it that’s inspiring. It really won’t be like this for long.