Miscarriage. Most people do not like to talk about this, and I myself never wanted to either. It always made me cry when I would talk about it that first year after I lost my first pregnancy. Part of me never wanted to talk about it because I did not want to hear people say, “I’m so sorry.” Although it was nice, it was just too generic of a response for any true emotion to come across. I did not want people to feel sorry for me, because what was that going to do? I just wanted a friend and a nice hug (chocolate is always an added bonus to any sad time as well). Even though I was very, very sad for a while, there are a few things that helped me get through the hurt. I am a firm believer in the saying, “everything happens for a reason,” and I knew that was the case here. For you to fully understand my emotions, I have to share the story of my miscarriage.
It was August 16th, 2012, a very hot, typical day in Georgia, where we lived. My husband and I decided to go to the bookstore, grab a drink at the coffee shop and read some books. We were both reading some pregnancy related books, and having a wonderful time. I remember sitting there in the coffee shop when I started to feel some cramping. I told my husband that I wanted to go home where I could feel more comfortable on the couch. The cramping proceeded most of the night off and on. I woke up the next morning to something that most people would be devastated to see: blood. Trying to remain positive this whole time, I read up on the good ol’ Dr. Google and it informed me some bleeding in early pregnancy was “normal.” Around 2pm on August 17th, the cramping got a lot worse. The bleeding got a lot worse. I knew something could not be right, so I called my doctor. Of course, I got that dreaded, annoying voicemail, left a message and played the waiting game.
We lived in a small house that had a steel roof (and we had TERRIBLE phone service because of it). Unless you stood at the back door or out under the car port, receiving phone calls or texts was pretty nonexistent. You can only imagine how this felt waiting on a call back from the nurse while being very stressed. It took forever for the nurse to call back, and when she finally did, and yep! You guessed it: voicemail. I got the voicemail right away so I called back instantly. I got the doctor’s office voicemail again. In the voicemail she left, she told me that if I am filling a pad within an hour to call back. Any other bleeding was considered normal, according to her. At this point, I believed I was in full mode of having a miscarriage. After I called back, I figured I was not going to wait for this lady to call me back. It was around 4:15pm when I opened my computer and went to my insurance website to find another doctor. I really do not know what I was wanting to accomplish, I just wanted to talk to someone. Anyone.
I found a doctor listed that had good reviews on all websites. I called the number they had listed, only to get a “disconnected” message. There was no way that was possible so a simple search of the doctor’s name, I found a different number and called that. It was the hospital switchboard, and I remember saying “I think I am having a miscarriage and am trying to reach this Doctor.” The sweet person on the other end informed me that the doctor I was trying to reach was actually on-call, so they sent a page to have him call me. I decided to just park myself out by the back door.
Within 10 minutes the doctor called me. I proceeded to tell him how I was playing phone tag with the other office’s nurse, and she still had not called back. I mentioned how I was not his patient, I had never met him before and that I just needed help. He was the sweetest person and simply calmed me down. He was very positive and told me if I wanted to know anything definite, I would have to go to the ER, but other than that he said it sounded like everything was ok. I was told to call back in the morning and make an appointment for when I would be 8 weeks pregnant. He said, “I’ll see you at 8 weeks and we will see that little babies heartbeat. Everything will be ok.” Unfortunately, I would soon find out it was not ok.
I went into my appointment at 8 weeks and found that I had lost the baby.
Instantly tears began streaming down my face. Deep down I knew I lost the baby, but I was holding onto some small piece of hope that the heartbeat would still be there. The next few weeks were difficult. Not a lot of people knew, and it seemed odd to me to announce a miscarriage, so I held it all in.
After a month, I started wondering why this happened. Although I would never know the answer, I tried looking for positives; I needed anything to make it better. One positive is that we found out through this (and a TON of blood work) that I had low thyroid, so I was put on medicine to help level everything out. Second positive is that I found an amazing doctor. This doctor proceeded to care for me through two pregnancies and delivered my rainbow baby girl. I was also told that I am able to get pregnant, so I held onto that hope until I got pregnant again.
When you are grieving, take all the time you need. Your loved ones will understand if you need time before you reveal your loss. Focus on yourself to deal with your loss before feeling the anxiety to tell people. Do not ever believe you are letting anyone down for your loss. It is your loss and yours alone. Talking to someone you trust, or simply writing down your feelings can help a lot; I did a lot of writing. Losing a child has overwhelming emotions that come with it. No matter how little, a loss is a loss. One thing I held onto, and still hold on to this four years later, “An angel in the book of life, wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered as she closed the book ‘Too beautiful for Earth.'”
Just know you are not alone.